What We Didn't Mean
by music-kid3
Summary: "No one deserved to put up with her mess anymore, luckily, the rich and beautiful were nothing if not heavily medicated" Serena/Nate Chuck/Blair Serena/Eric Serena Blair and most other friendships. Lots of angst. Please read and review :
1. Chapter 1

**A/N: Hey guys! Please don't hate me for starting this when I haven't updated **_**All the Reasons Why**_** in like a week. I've just hit a massive writer's block on it, and this has been floating around my mind for a while now. Anyway, for this story, Serena's reason for leaving was the same, but she came back for different reasons that will be revealed later. Eric has never tried to kill himself in this – she's come back sooner so his depression didn't really get as far. I hope you enjoy! And if you read, please review, even if it's only one or two words. **

**Disclaimer: I own nothing related to Gossip Girl.**

She sat on her queen-sized bed. Even at eleven thirty in the morning it was still immaculately put together from earlier this morning when the maid tidied up. She spun the cold, black metal piece around in her hands and slid it back under her bed. She couldn't do that; it would be too terrible a scene for whoever found her, and that's not what she would want for anyone to have to deal with. No one deserved to put up with her mess anymore; she wasn't worth the trouble. Luckily she was Upper East Side born and bred, and the rich and beautiful were nothing if not heavily medicated. She rose slowly from her thousand-thread count comforter and walked to her en suite bathroom.

She looked in the mirror as she poured a glass of water from the faucet. She couldn't understand what had changed and why. She looked the same as she always had; long, wavy blond hair, deep blue eyes, and tanned skin. The problem wasn't what she looked like or really even the things she did – it was her. It was her once carefree laugh and her disappearing acts and the way nothing bad ever seemed to happen for her like it did for everyone else. She reached into her medicine cabinet to pull out Valium and sleeping pills, both courtesy of Lily. Walking back to her bed, she caught sight of the tequila bottle she had hidden under her bed from before she went to boarding school. Looking down at the glass of water in her hand, she poured it out onto her carpet and filled the glass with the liquor. She twisted and turned the cup, watching as the amber liquid swished around the edges of it lackadaisically before tilting her head back and taking a long gulp of it.

She wasn't perfect. She wasn't perfect and everyone she had ever cared about knew now and they hated her for it. She opened the bottle of Valium and the sleeping pills and tossed the caps on the floor next to her bed. Serena emptied each bottle onto her comforter and stared at them with tears in her eyes for a moment. She began taking them one by one, pouring more tequila when necessary, and when not. She rotated between the two types of pill: Valium, tequila, sleeping pill, tequila, valium. She hadn't written any letters – what was the point? She always thought it was kind of selfish when people did that anyway. 'I love you but not enough to stay alive' seemed so…terrible. The only person who really deserved one anyway was Eric.

Eric. Her little brother was the only person who could stand her, and she'd even managed to isolate herself from him in these past months. No, she wouldn't make Eric feel that. She reached down and took another Valium, then tequila, then a sleeping pill. She was down to only four more Valium, though, no surprise there – her mother wasn't even that anxious.

She was so tired, tired of partying, of loving Nate and missing Blair and arguing with Chuck. She was tired of having to pretend to be a mother to Eric because theirs wouldn't do it herself. She couldn't even take care of herself. Being left alone with Eric, trying to advise him on what to do was probably just causing more harm than good. She was tired of trying to beg for Blair's forgiveness, and proving to her mother, to everyone, that she wasn't the same girl who left for boarding school. She was tired of her father being off the map, and of guys old enough to be her dad trying to talk to her and fake interest in anything other than sex.

The thing she was most tired of, though, was being so _sad_. Her perfect smiles had become a little narrower, and her carefree laugh didn't sound as full these days. She was tired of having to pretend to be happy when she wasn't, when all she seemed able to do was make the people around her unhappy. She was just so _tired_. She leaned back on her pillows with the glass of tequila half full and loosely in her hand, teetering at the edge of her bed. Her eyesight was blurring and her thoughts were becoming more slurred together. The best thing that had happened to her lately, she thought, was that now she could finally get some rest.

Nate Archibald walked off of the elevator and into the van der Woodsen suite at seven o'clock. He had been on his way to meet Blair and Chuck, but he couldn't get over the massive fight he and Serena had had a couple days ago. He loved her, and her running from him just hurt so _much_, but he knew that he and everyone else was hurting her now, too, and he didn't like to think about the pain he'd seen rooted deep in her eyes lately; they weren't as bright as they used to be, weren't as carefree as he remembered them.

Walking through the mostly quiet apartment, he saw Eric lying on the couch. When Serena had first come back from boarding school he was in better spirits than he usually was, but since Serena had changed when she came back, his mood didn't last very long. "Eric" he called out to the younger blond boy on the couch. When he turned around, Nate continued, "Is Serena here?" he remembered that normally by this time Serena would have been bounding down the steps, ready to go out and do something, anything, so he hoped he hadn't missed her.

"She's here. She's been in her room since I got back though, and when I knocked she didn't answer". Nate's brow furrowed; Serena always had time for Eric, even when she was pissed off or upset. "I'm gonna go up there. Maybe she'll answer for me" Eric looked skeptical; he wasn't as oblivious to everything that went on, and was still going on, between his sister and her group of friends. When she came back, everyone on the UES was forced to take sides or be destroyed in the crossfire, and not many chose to stand behind her, in fact, none did. Regardless of this, he hoped that maybe making up with Nate and eventually Blair and Chuck would bring back the sister he used to have, so he nodded in Nate's direction to do as he pleased.

Nate walked up the stairs and towards Serena's room. When he arrived at her door, he knocked on it a few times, "Serena, it's me. Can I come in?" he called through the closed door. He noticed there wasn't a light on, which was odd because it had been dark for a couple of hours. He knocked again when he didn't get a response before grasping the door knob and pushing it open a little. "Serena, why aren't you answering?" he walked into the room, and walked over towards the lamp near her bed where he could tell she was laying, but as he got close to it he stepped on something. _What the hell was that?_ He took the last couple of steps necessary to get him to the lamp and when he flicked it on, he looked back to see what he had stepped on. It was a broken glass there was a wet spot next to it too._ What's going on…_ He shook her gently from where he was, she wasn't under the covers or anything which he thought was odd of her, because she always wrapped herself in blankets when she took a nap. He looked down the bed, though, and saw pill bottles and the empty bottle of tequila, the one they had hidden long ago in her room. "Serena!" he shook her more urgently; he couldn't believe this was happening. He reached for the pills and noticed that one was empty and the other was pretty close to it, "Serena, wake up! You have to wake up!" he didn't know what to do. "Eric! Eric call an ambulance, now!" he continued to shake her, but she said nothing.

Eric's head poked into the room. As he saw what Nate was doing, he got scared. "What's going on, Nate? What's wrong with her? S!" his voice was getting higher with each word, panic lacing it. "Eric, she took some pills or something. Call an ambulance! How long has she been up here?" he questioned, unable to understand how no one had even come to check on her. "I don't know! I got back from my lessons at four, but I don't even know if she left today" he responded while dialing. "How could you not know? She's probably been planning this for days, or even weeks!" he didn't know what to do. He ran to her bathroom and cupped some water, but quickly realized how ineffectual that would be. He went back to her bed and scooped her into his arms and carried her to the bath tub. "How did _I_ not know? You and Chuck and Blair are her best friends and _you_ didn't know! All you've done since she came back is bitch at her! This is your fault!" Eric yelled at him from the other room. "I've been on hold for fucking ever" he muttered in frustration, kicking the desk chair that was next to him. "How the hell is the 911 number busy?"

Nate was unsure what to do. "Call Lily, or your family doctor. He has to come, right?" Serena's color was returning a little bit, but he knew she needed real medical attention; he wasn't sure how many of those pills she had swallowed.

"She's out of town. I don't even know where she is"

"Then call someone! Jesus Eric, call someone who can help!"

"Like who, Nate? We've been blacklisted from everyone in the city! I don't remember the last time there was a voicemail left for anyone but my mother!" He was right, Nate knew, because Blair had told him that this was her plan. He didn't think it would actually happen though, he never thought… "Call Chuck" He could hear him dialing the once familiar number. "Keep pouring water on her, Eric. Give me the phone, okay?" he took a deep breath and motioned for Eric to do the same.

"Chuck Bass" he heard through the receiver. "Chuck, you need to get Arthur and bring the limo over to Serena's right now" he heard a hollow laugh. "Nate, Blair will kill us both if she finds out either of us went over there, especially you. Besides, I thought you were on our si-"

"Chuck! Bring the limo! She's took something, a lot of it and she won't wake up and this is our fault and just do it!" He was met with silence before he heard Chuck respond. "Blair's here. We'll be there in less than five minutes. Have her in the lobby in three" and then the line went dead. "Eric, help me get her down there".

As they hoisted the blond up he could read all the questions in Eric's eyes, questions that he assumed were in his too. "It'll be fine. I promise", but they both knew promises were meant to be broken. Chuck was there when they got to the lobby, waiting with the door open and Blair standing next to him, wiping at tears on her face. He ignored the questions of Vanya, telling him to "have Lily call one of us if she calls the suite" and then walking out the door. He deposited her into the limo before Eric, then Blair, and then Chuck climbed in as well.

"Nate, what happened?" Blair asked softly, but before Nate could respond Eric looked up with glassy eyes. "Don't ask that. You all know what happened. She came back to the city, and all three of you happened". "E, we couldn't have known this wou-"

"Shut up, Blair! What, you didn't know she would be destroyed? Didn't know that she would feel as if she had no one? Because you did know, it was your goal. It's what you do to anyone who you think crossed you. Obviously her being your best friend didn't change that, but at least those other girls had true friends to turn to when it happened. All of Serena's were the one's doing it, and I know I'm just 'Serena's little brother' and I don't get it, but I _do_. I know more than you think, and if the things I've heard are any signal of what's been going on then I'm right. So all three of you just shut _up_, and you can leave once she's checked into the hospital".

The eldest three in the car shared looks between each other. Eric was right, this was their fault, and nothing could ever be the same. They looked over to Serena's motionless form; things were already so different, and none of them took the time to notice.

**A/N: I hope everyone liked it. Review please. Oh and I plan to update pretty frequently, as well as update my other story sometime this weekend. Until next time…**

**Aryn**


	2. Chapter 2

**Chapter 2**

**A/N: Hey guys. Thanks for anyone who read, and special thanks to all three of my reviewers. I really do appreciate them. Just so everyone knows, I won't update as frequently if there isn't a response to the story, so please let me know what you guys think after you've read. It only takes a second! This story will have a lot of flashbacks in it (they will be italicized) and it may be a little confusing at first, but bear with me please! I hope you enjoy!**

**Disclaimer: I do not own anything related to Gossip Girl.**

Chuck stood in the corner of the hospital's waiting room, observing his friends – his family. Eric had been pacing the lobby for an hour now, anxiously but politely asking the nurse for any news on Serena. Blair was biting her nails and nervously looking towards the restroom entrance every five or ten minutes, and when she wasn't doing that, she was not so politely demanding someone give her an update. Nate had been glued to his seat since describing the situation he'd found Serena in to a doctor and telling them which drugs and what type of alcohol he had found near her. His blue eyes were visibly filled with tears swimming around them, but none had fallen down his face yet. The third time Chuck had phoned Lily he got through and told her that Serena was in the hospital for 'self-induced reasons'. He assumed she could read between the lines herself and he was right, she said she would be back in the city within five hours…still, no one knew exactly where she had gone.

Blair thought back to the first time she had seen Serena since her return. She and Nate had long since broken up and she had quickly forgiven him, but the fact that Serena of all people had betrayed her in this way had seemed unforgivable, now she was just praying the blonde would be okay.

"_Blair!" she heard the familiar voice call out to her from behind and she instantly recognized it. Her first instinct was to turn and envelop the girl who had disappeared without a trace in a bone crushing hug, but then she remembered the events that led up to her leaving, and her icy exterior returned, refrozen over. "Serena, what are you doing back in the city?" her question was friendly enough, but the blonde could easily see that there was anger and venom behind it. She thought back to what truly led her back from boarding school. She thought back to all that __**blood**__ and not knowing what to do or who to call, to not knowing what was happening. She thought back to the partying and drugs that followed, and the Ben situation. She thought back to how everything went so utterly __**wrong**_ _and how she wasn't sure how it happened. "I just really missed my friends, my best friend, especially"._

_ Blair had to fight the urge to crumble then and there. She had read lack the assuredness in Serena's eyes, and the struggle it took for her to actually come to an answer. Instead of doing just that, though, she dramatically rolled her eyes, "I used to have one of those, before she screwed my boyfriend at a wedding he attended as __**my**_ _date" Serena gasped a bit at this, "Bl-" she was cut off though. "But I don't have one anymore, and that is perfectly fine with me. You know what happens to my enemies, S, that's why most try to avoid becoming one. I knew you were blond, but I thought there had to be a shred of intelligence or at least loyalty under all of that yellow hair. By the way, your shoes went out of style last season, but I guess you __**wouldn't**_ _know, seeing as you've been gone for months." And with those words, Blair turned away from her (ex?)best friend, not fully understanding why she didn't feel more enjoyment in leaving the blue-eyed beauty alone on the crowded Manhattan sidewalk. _

"The family of Serena van der Woodsen?" a doctor holding a clipboard spoke, breaking Blair from her silent reverie. She jumped from her seat, nearly tripping over her own feet, and walked determinedly in the direction of the doctor. She was over there quickly; second only to Eric who had been by the front desk. "Is she okay?" she asked the man frantically, barely waiting for Nate and Chuck to be close enough to hear his response. The man gave her a sad smile before shaking his head no. "Were any of you aware of Miss van der Woodsen's mental state?" Blair spoke first, "No. She recently came back from boarding school, but I'm not sure why she left to go in the first place, aside from…mishaps with Nate over there, or why she came back. I didn't know she was…like this. I didn't know that things had gotten so drastic". Eric scoffed, rolling his eyes at Blair's words, but didn't say anything to correct them.

The doctor wrote something down on his chart before looking back up at them, "did you know about her drug and alcohol abuse, or that she was so unstable?" At these words everyone looked down except Chuck. "Serena is not some _druggie._ She's not depressed or _unstable_. She uses drugs sometimes. She has since we were in eighth grade, but she did not overdose on purpose. She wouldn't. She was going through a rough time, but she was _fine"_ he bit out the last words, nearly growling at the man in front of him. He knew Serena, and she didn't let anything get her down, not for long, anyway. The doctor seemed unfazed at Chuck's aggressive response; it was normal for the loved ones of people to react poorly and deny anything had been unusual. No one wants to be the one who missed the signs of suicide. "Sir,- " "Chuck _Bass", _the doctor restarted his sentence. "Mr. Bass, you may not want to accept it, but Ms. Van der Woodsen swallowed seventeen Valium and twenty-two sleeping pills, and her alcohol levels were high above the legally intoxicated mark. It was attempted suicide, especially if she was as familiar with drugs as you all claim" his words shut them up, and he took a deep breath before continuing.

"Now I'm asking again, was there any reason, any causes that any of you could think of for why she would do this?" No one spoke, and he shook his head; it was very typical that no one would tell the truth. "Very well. When Miss van der Woodsen's mother arrives, we will see what she wants to do with the situation at hand. Until then, she is being put on suicide watch. Family can visit before we move her. She's barely awake, and if there is any trouble, visits to her room will cease. Mr. van der Woodsen, you can follow me" the doctor led Eric away towards the elevator. Eric shot one last glare in their direction before following after the man quickly.

"It was us" Nate said, barely above a whisper, but the dead silence of the three allowed the words to be heard very clearly. "Don't be ridiculous Nathaniel. Nothing we have done could have pushed Serena this far" Chuck said, although it was easy to hear the uncertainty in his voice. "No Chuck. It was _us_" he said again, more confidently. "None of us even wondered why she came back so abruptly. All we've done is make life hell for her, and anyone could see what it was doing to her. When was the last time she had a conversation with anyone at school who wasn't a teacher or Eric? And God, when was the last time she even defended herself to us? She's just been taking everything we've dished out and we just kept going and now she's in a _hospital_, Blair, and she swallowed _pills_, like an entire bottle, and she tried to _kill_ herself. That is _not _the Serena from before all of this. _We did this" _Nate ranted on, getting more and more frantic with each word.

"Shut _up_ Nate! I did not almost kill my best friend. I _didn't_, so stop _saying _it" Blair barked, seething. She couldn't let what Nate was saying be true. She had been harsh, she knew, but it didn't warrant this and she refused to believe something more wasn't the cause of it. "Well we played a part, and any part is enough to take the blame" Nate whispered before walking away. "You're wrong Nate! You're wrong!" Blair shouted through the lobby, for once not minding the stares she was getting for doing something as uncouth and socially unacceptable as yelling in public. "He's wrong, Chuck, right?" she asked, fighting back tears and choking on sobs. Chuck couldn't watch Blair cry without doing something, but he wouldn't lie to her either. They played a part, and everyone who had borne witness to their actions as of late knew it. "I don't know, Blair. But I will find out" he wrapped her into a strong hug, never wanting to let go until he could erase all of the day's pain like a bad dream. He also made a mental note to get his PI on figuring out what had truly gone on as soon as he returned to his suite.

Nate walked to the front desk, still reeling about what they had done. Maybe Blair wasn't responsible, in fact, he knew she wasn't totally responsible, nor could she be nearly as much as he was. He had said terrible things to her the last time they spoke – well, argued – and he couldn't shake that he should have known. He saw the instability in her eyes, how she begged him to just stop and _listen _to her. She kept repeating it over and over, '_Just listen, Nate. Please'_ but he had ignored it. Kept going on about how selfish she was, and how he would never forgive her for just _leaving_ the way she had after the Shepard Wedding and how he wished she hadn't come back, wished she would go again. He yelled and accused and spewed hurtful words, words he knew would cut her in the most sensitive spots, and he never listened. Even the things she was saying, he couldn't really remember. All that kept repeating in his mind were her words, her mantra, _'Just listen, Nate. Please_'. She had begged and he ignored, and now she was barely alive; she didn't even want to be alive.

He had to apologize, to make sure she was okay, and to hear her say it was an accident and laugh airily about the power of Valium and her refusal to read a label. He just wanted to make sure that she was still _Serena._ He asked the nurse at the desk for her room number and after a white lie about being her step-brother he may his way to the elevator. As he walked down the corridor, he noticed all of the other depressed and gray and pale-faced people in the wing; Serena didn't – couldn't – belong here. He finally arrived outside of her room but stopped, noticing that Eric was still visiting with her.

Eric pushed the door open slightly, walking quietly into her room. "Serena" he spoke softly, but loud enough so that she could hear him. He watched as she slowly turned her face from the direction opposite of the door and towards the chair he had sat down in. "Hey Eric. It's crazy that I'm in here, huh? They think that I tried to kill myself" she said in a mock whisper, laughing a little at the end, but he could tell it was hollow. "That's usually what people assume when you've taken almost forty pills and mixed them with alcohol, S" he said, not amused. "What's going on?" he asked, his eyes pleading with her for the truth. "I'm sorry, Eric. I just, it hurtsso _much _to be here with everyone and to not actually be with them, and all I do is screw things up. I didn't mean to hurt you, though. I guess I couldn't even do this right" she sniffled and wiped at a stray tear before it could fall completely down her face.

"Everyone wants you here, Serena! Nate and Blair and Chuck are in the lobby – "

"To see if I _lived, _Eric! It has been made perfectly clear that I do nothing but complicate everyone's life. Mom doesn't even stay around"

"I'm still here" he whispered. "I want you here. Why would you just try to leave _forever _after I just got you back? I love you, Serena. You're my sister"

"You'd be better off without me, E. I ruin things. Everyone's life goes better when I'm out of the picture"

Nate walked into the room after hearing this, he couldn't stand in the shadows and let Eric try and handle this all on his own when it wasn't even his fault. "Serena, you can't think that"

She looked at the door, hearing the familiar, yet invading voice. "It's exactly what you said three days ago, Nate!" Nate looked in Eric's direction, hoping he would leave, "I'm not going anywhere. Whatever you have to say, to Serena, you can say in front of me" he said defiantly, daring Nate to argue with him. "E, just five minutes, okay?" He couldn't believe she actually wanted to speak to this jerk, but he would give her what she wanted. "I'm right in the hallway. If I hear raised voices, I'm coming back in and _you" _he said, looking pointedly at Nate, "are leaving". With those words he exited the room.

"Why are you here, Nate? Think of more ways to say that I ruined your life and couldn't wait to tell me them?" she said sarcastically. "Serena, you can't have thought I meant those things. I was just hurt because you _left _and then came back and it just confused me and…and I don't know" he finished lamely. She let out a hollow laugh. "You were hurt. I left _you_. Did you ever think that I left for _me?_ That there was a reason I came back? That I just wanted things to work and to forget everything that had happened, or were you too consumed in yourself, too caught up thinking about how much of a regretI am to you? If I'm so troublesome in your life, then just get out""S, come on. That can't be the reason you did something like this. It's not enough reason, and this isn't _you_. Just tell me what went wrong" he was pleading with her now.

"Everything went wrong, Nate! I slept with my best friend's boyfriend. I get to Connecticut and so much just _happens_ and everything that shouldn't just _did_ and I couldn't even stop it and then I come back and you and everyone else treat me like I have the plague. You think I ruined your life, that I destroyed you, well anything I did to you, it felt so much worse, like so much _more_ to me_. _Now _get out_, and take Chuck and Blair with you" she finished off, anger lacing her voice, but her eyes telling a much sadder story.

Nate left the room with his head hanging dejectedly, and upon entering the hallway he saw Eric's steely glare. Eric pointed towards the window at Serena's crying form, "I told you all to _leave_. Whatever you did or said or think you need to do now, just _stop" _and with those words he went back into the room. Nate stepped off the elevator to see Chuck and Blair hanging on to one another for dear life. When Chuck saw Nate he stood and straightened his jacket, "I'm going to go see her. Get to the bottom of this" he began walking towards the elevator, but Nate put his hand on his chest to still him, "Don't. She doesn't want…just don't" and those were all the words the three teens in the lobby exchanged before filing out of the hospital and past a confused Lily.

After dropping Nate and Blair back at their respective homes, Chuck returned to his. He shrugged his jacket off and removed his scarf and shoes, then dialed a familiar number. "I need you to find out _everything _Serena van der Woodsen has done in the past six months" he listened to the words that the man on the other line was speaking, "Put all other projects on hold and focus solely on this" he listened once more, "You're looking for anything that could trigger an emotional breakdown. Boyfriends, police interaction, anything" there was a short pause, "I don't pay you to ask questions. Just _do it"_ and with those last words, he hung up the phone and poured a glass of scotch.

**A/N: Wow. That was longer than I expected. Anyway, I hope you all enjoyed, and leave comments, good or bad, it'll make me update sooner. Also, does anyone know the name of Chuck's PI? I felt bad leaving him nameless lol. If I get reviews, the next update will be ridiculously sooner than it will be if I only receive a couple. Until next time…**

**- Aryn**


	3. Chapter 3

Chapter 3

**A/N: What? I'm updating on a weekday? Yeah, I am. It's because you guys were so awesome in reviewing and favoriting and putting this story on alert that I felt bad letting it sit for too long. It'll be shorter than my other two chapters, but that's because I really wanted to get this out to you guys. I hope you enjoy reading, and please leave a review to let me know what you like and don't like, or any suggestions or guesses you have about what's gonna come next. I love to know what you guys think. Anyways, I'll stop babbling, lol. Here's chapter 3. Enjoy.**

"Mom, you can't just lock her up in Ostroff like this whole thing never happened!" Eric shouted at his mother as they entered the van der Woodsen apartment. "Eric, she's not well. She needs some time to be by herself an – "she was cut off by Eric's accusing point in her direction "being _alone_ is what got her into this situation! You let her run away to boarding school so she could deal with whatever that week's drama was, and then you let her run away from what happened. All you ever do is leave her alone, leave _us_ alone, and it is _not working_" he spoke fiercely. After this scare with Serena, he would never think to attempt some of the things that had been floating through his mind during his sister's absence, but he understood where she was coming from, because even in the city with people they had known all their lives he felt alone and he'd not gone through half the things Serena had. "Why don't you try interfering, getting involved? It just might work" he ended sarcastically. She rubbed her temples, the stress of the past days finally wearing down on her, "She needs time alone with people who can help her deal with whatever is going on. None of us know, and I doubt she would tell me of all people, so she needs to be with people who can help her because I _can't_, Eric. I just, I don't know _how_" she stressed the ending. Eric shook his head in disgust before turning around to make his way up the staircase. When he reached the top, he turned slightly, just enough to face his mother, "The reason you don't know _how, _is because you never tried to _learn_".

"What kind of hospital was she in?"…"You don't _know? _Then what in the _hell _am I paying you for? Find _out _and call me back immediately, but not until then" Chuck barked into his phone. Running a hand over his face, he let out a deep breath. It had been three days since Serena's attempt and his private investigator had yet to find anything of substance. He knew whatever happened was big and that the cover up was of epic proportions, probably warranting CeCe Rhodes to step in to cover all bases. He didn't like not knowing, but so far the only information he had was that Serena left and went to boarding school, (obvious, no?) that she was in the hospital for a little over a week (interesting, but could have just been a cold, or the flu. Serena was terrible when sick), and that she left and came back to the city, (once again, obvious). He couldn't believe he actually paid that guy…he didn't come up with anything that Chuck couldn't figure out for himself.

"Serena, tell me about yourself" Dr. Strauss asked, his pen resting loosely in her hands, glasses perched atop his nose. Serena sat in the chair across from him looking down and twiddling her thumbs. "There's not much to tell. I'm rich. I used to be popular. And then I tried to kill myself and couldn't even get that right, so my blond hair is obviously natural. It looks like we got to the bottom of that pretty quickly" she said, hostility lacing the once sunny blonde's voice. She had never cared for people trying to be close; they could be near her and fill the silence, but not many knew what actually went on with her, what she was thinking, and she liked that. She couldn't keep everything in her life sacred, but her thoughts could remain only hers if she decided they would. Dr. Strauss wrote a few notes down on his pad before looking up at the girl in front of him. "You told me things you have, things you've been, things you've done, but you didn't tell me who you are. Who's 'Serena van der Woodsen?" he asked, egging her out of her shell.

She bit her bottom lip, unsure how to respond. Who she was? She was a party girl; a slut, according to Blair; selfish, according to everyone else; useless to her mother; inconsequential to her dad; hopeless to herself. "A fucking _train_ _wreck_. I'm such a mess all of the time, and I don't know how _not_ to be" she muttered, her gaze shifting down towards the ground. She noticed Dr. Strauss about to say something but she cut him off before he could begin, "I'd like to move on" she said, and although her voice was quiet, her tone left no room for discussion. He shook his head a bit hesitantly in the affirmative before moving on to his next set of questions. "Why did you leave Manhattan?" Serena rolled her eyes. Where had this guy gone to school? He couldn't have a legitimate degree. "Because I fucked Nate, my best friend's boyfriend, at a wedding on a barstool. They attended it together, and I screwed him when she asked him to take me from the reception and sober up. He took me away, I took his virginity" she said, a self-deprecating tone and false amusement in all of her words. "Yes, but why did you leave? People do things they regret all of the time, but they don't just run across state lines when it happens" he spoke and then looked at her imploringly. "I left because I wanted to. New York is suffocating and that…it took away my last breath of air".

"That's not answering the question, Serena. Why did you leave? There had to have been more reason than that. What made it so suffocating?"

"I don't know! "She shouted at him, her words echoing off of his office walls. "I couldn't take _being_ there. I just, I couldn't stay, so I didn't"

"And did you think about anyone else before you left? Your brother, Eric, he was still there in this place you said suffocated you. Why not try to get him to come along? And Nate, I have here that he's one of your best friends, he's the one who found you. Did you just leave him to deal with the guilt and telling Blair? You didn't want to put yourself through it? Couldn't face her afterwards?" he pushed hard, and Dr. Strauss could see her cool exterior beginning to crack.

She laughed. It was a hollow, empty sound, heartbreaking to anyone who had heard it before she'd become so jaded. "I am not afraid of _Blair. _I couldn't – didn't want to face _myself. _It would have gotten out" she shook her head before correcting her words "it did get out, and I when I came back, I was exactly where I had tried to avoid. It was just another mistake that that 'reckless van der Woodsen girl' made. I was still the girl who wore too short dresses to parties and who didn't do enough with her hair before going out in public, and then, I became the girl who broke up the _perfect couple_. It was completely my fault because everyone assumes it to be automatically. I know I was wrong, but I wasn't the only one. I thought about me, but I knew Eric would be better off, and I figured Nate could keep his mouth shut and just keep being _perfect _but he didn't, and everything just went…downhill from there" she had curled her legs into her chest, holding herself close as if afraid to let herself be exposed.

He wasn't really expecting that kind of reaction. Most of the society kids that he encountered had perfected the BS answer – they knew what to say that, under any other circumstances, would have had them going back home with a prescription of anti-depressants in their possession. She didn't seem to have that trickery to her, she was a bit more honest, and Dr. Strauss knew that that quality would make this process much easier. He knew they didn't have much more time, and he didn't want to push his luck, but he didn't want to give her time to close back up. He had a question that he knew would lead to the answers he was looking for, if she would answer truthfully, "So we know why you left, but why come back?" Serena's eyes revealed immense pain for half of a second before her ocean blue eyes froze over into an icy, blank stare. "I'd like be done now" she said, her voice low and quivering. Dr. Strauss sighed but nodded his head, these appointments were technically up to the patient one hundred percent (they could just come and sit for five minutes in silence, then get up and leave), telling her he would see her and they would address that question at their next session.

Blair knocked on the door of the Archibald townhouse with fury, glad that she knew his parents weren't home. She'd not been here since their embarrassing break up, so standing on his front porch thinking of the cause of their break up added more heat and anger to the fire she'd rushed over with. When he finally opened the door, hair disheveled and eyes red rimmed, he looked shocked to see her. "Are you going to invite me in or do I have to push past you and make my own self at home?" she said with irritation. Her voice shook him out of his trance, and though at first he was going to tell her it wasn't a good time, her statement told him that she would be entering with or without his permission, so he might as well concede. He stepped out of the door way and opened it wider, "Come in, Blair" he said with tiredness.

After taking off her coat and hat, she sat on a couch in his living room. Nate followed her lead and sat too. There was a tense silence with Blair looking at him pensively before Nate finally broke it. Sighing, he asked "why are you here, Blair?" He didn't have time to deal with her mind games today; he was busy wallowing. Blair, surprised that he had been so blunt with her, something he had never done too often or too well, spoke up, "Well, I've been thinking a lot about Serena. Now I know that I was terrible, as was Chuck, but we've fought before, and – " Nate cut her off "You guys never fought for this long, and she never lost everyone's support to you" Blair shifted her eyes in his direction, they were slitting in annoyance before ignoring what he'd just said, "as I was saying, we've fought before, but she never took it this hard, not the things _I _said to her, and definitely not the things Chuck said to her. _Your _opinion, on the other hand, has always held a _weight _that Serena never cared to give much else. With all of that being said, I want to know what you said to her during that fight last week so that we can fix it"

Nate stared wide-eyed at her. Had she really come to house to accuse him of causing all of these problems? Blair had been much harsher, in _public_ he might add, than he had been; his words couldn't have meant that much, they just…couldn't. "Are you saying this is my fault? Because I was only following your lead and – " Blair winced a bit; she didn't need to be reminded of the things she had done, the things she had had others do, to her best friend. "I'm not saying it's your fault. I know a lot of it belongs to me, but I just…you and Serena…you _matter" _she swallowed the lump in her throat and noticed Nate grimace at her implication;it still hurt her to think of them together even though she was kind of with Chuck now, but it was more of an anger at not seeing it before than at them, "and that's okay. It wasn't okay then, but now it is because I have…grown, and you and I are past it and I should have gotten past it with Serena but I just…didn't _want _to. I didn't want to let it go. You're important to her Nate; you always have been and the things you say are just, heard differently, she listens more than just hearing. It's that, it's a weight, you know? It's just so much _heavier_ on her heart…"

**A/N: I know this is like my shortest update, but I wanted to get something out to thank all of the awesome readers who reviewed because I promised this would be posted much more…timely than I usually post lol. I hope you all enjoyed it, I'm not sure how I felt about it so tell me what you thought. Next update will be out really quick if I get the same or more of a response than I did for the second chapter. I love that you guys read this, so I hope it's up to expectations. Until next time…**

**Aryn **


	4. Chapter 4

**Chapter 4**

**Disclaimer: I do not own Gossip Girl or anything related to it.**

**A/N: Hey all! I hope you're still reading and enjoying. Thanks to all those who read and a special thanks to my loyal reviewers because without them, updates would most likely be few and far between. This author's note shouldn't be too long, so I'll just get to what needs to be said. This chapter picks up where the last one left off. Also, for anyone who was reading **_**All the Reasons Why**_** I have been trying ridiculously hard to write the next chapter, but I seem a little stuck. If you do want an update soon, I have something that ready to be posted now, so just let me know that you are still interested. Anywho, I'm done rambling. Here's the next chapter, I hope you like it. Leave a comment to let me know. Enjoy.**

Nate stared wide-eyed at her. Had she really come to house to accuse him of causing all of these problems? Blair had been much harsher, in _public_ he might add, than he had been; his words couldn't have meant that much, they just…couldn't. "Are you saying this is my fault? Because I was only following your lead and – " Blair winced a bit; she didn't need to be reminded of the things she had done, the things she had had others do, to her best friend. "I'm not saying it's your fault. I know a lot of it belongs to me, but I just…you and Serena…you _matter" _she swallowed the lump in her throat and noticed Nate grimace at her implication;it still hurt her to think of them together even though she was kind of with Chuck now, but it was more of an anger at not seeing it before than at them, "and that's okay. It wasn't okay then, but now it is because I have…grown, and you and I are past it and I should have gotten past it with Serena but I just…didn't _want _to. I didn't want to let it go. You're important to her Nate; you always have been and the things you say are just, heard differently, she listens more than just hearing. It's that, it's a weight, you know? It's just so much _heavier_ on her heart…" she trailed off, looking at Nate, her eyes pleading with him to just give her a clue.

_Nate was wandering the streets of Manhattan. In all honesty, it was way too early for him to be tipsy, but he hadn't been able to help himself. Serena reentered their lives in a whirlwind, and he was seriously trying to go along with this scheme Blair and Chuck had come up with because he had been hurt, just like Blair, when she left, and it wasn't fair for her to come back expecting to be welcomed with wide open arms, right? The problem was she had come back and she was still so tall and pretty and bright and _Serena _that he could barely help himself from falling at her feet and begging her to never go anywhere without him again. But he could hold it together, and in the process of trying to drown away his desire for Serena, all he really wanted to do now was tell her everything that had been on his mind since she left and since she came back. In his drunken state, that seemed like the best plan he'd had in a long time, so he changed directions abruptly, colliding with a guy on the street who in turn yelled a string of curses in his direction after his hasty apology and get away. _

_He was here at the van der Woodsen apartment and he really hoped Lily wasn't in town. It wasn't that he didn't like her, but he wasn't sure if he could play off his intoxication for very long, and she was known to ask a few questions when someone arrived at her home, especially after ten o'clock. _ _He slipped past the doorman and ignored his hesitant allowance for Nate to go in. Luckily all of those impromptu sleepovers in their youth and early teens were still remembered. Stumbling through the lobby towards the elevator, Nate waited for its doors to open. Riding up to her suite in the elevator, he thought about what he was going to say. Unfortunately_,_ the trip was over and he had arrived far too soon. He would have to wing it. Eric and Serena noticed him before he did them, and they both wore equally confused, surprised, and happy looks on their faces._

"_Nate! Long time, no see" Eric said, catching his attention. Nate turned, momentarily confused as he didn't notice the two siblings sitting in their living room, but he quickly regained his composure. "Hey Eric" he responded. Finally, he let his gaze shift to Serena, and his breath caught in his throat. "Hey Natie" she said, a timid, soft smile gracing her lips. He smiled back at her, almost as if he couldn't help but do so_._ He motioned to the stairs, and she nodded in understanding. "We're gonna go talk" she said to Eric, a question in her voice in the last words. When Nate nodded, she continued, "and then we'll see you later. If mom calls" they both cracked smiles at the inside joke they shared about their mother never calling when she was away, even though it wasn't slightly funny, "if she calls, tell her I'll call back later". With those last words, the pair of older blondes made their way up the stairs and towards Serena's room while Eric sat staring after them for a brief moment, wondering if maybe things were returning to the way they were before Serena left. _

_Serena closed the door behind her when they reached her bedroom, and they sat in silence for a while. She broke it after a minute or so, "It's really nice to see you, Nate. I, I missed you" she said, taking an opportunity to look him in the eyes. Nate felt his heart soar for a moment only to come crashing back down as he remembered his true purpose for being here. The only reason she missed him was because she _left. _No one forced her to go and no one forbid her from calling to let them know she was okay, to let them know she still cared. The fact that his hardened shell had cracked so easily with just a half smile from the girl in front of him – the girl who broke his heart – made him even angrier with her and with himself. He could tell she was waiting for an answer, a response of some sort to let her know what he was thinking, and he planned on doing exactly that. "I missed you too, during that first month you were gone" he got up from where he had been sitting next to her on the bed to put distance between himself and Serena; he knew that if he was too close to her, he would lose his composure and crumble from one look in her sad blue eyes._

_ The space that he felt the need to put between them felt like a slap in the face to Serena. And he could tell by the look on her face that that in itself had wounded her. At this realization, he kept on going. "You just left, Serena! You didn't care that I would miss you, or that Blair or Chuck or Eric would! It was all about you and what you just had to do. Well guess what: you didn't take the time to care about us when you left, so after a month or two with no words, I decided I wasn't going to care about you anymore either" Serena looked stricken, "I did miss you guys. Every day! I missed you Nate, so much. You have to believe that" she was begging with him._

"_Why should I? Tell me one thing you have done to deserve me still wanting anything to do with you. I was willing to go through hell for us to be together! I always had been and you just left! I was willing to put up with my dad's shit about how bad me breaking up with Blair would be for business, I was willing to lose Blair as a friend just so that we could have a _chance_, and you didn't even want one! You didn't even want me" he finished off quietly. He didn't understand how she got to him as easily as she did even when she wasn't trying, and he hated that he let her._

_She got off of her bed now and walked towards him. "I had to leave, Nate! Don't you get it? Blair was my best friend and she was your girlfriend and I couldn't just _take _you from her like that. It would have been selfish and wrong and I couldn't hurt her that way, but I didn't want to hurt you either. I never want to hurt you, I love you, Nate. God, I just, I love you and it's hard and scary and then things like the Sheppard Wedding just happen and I'm _sorry_, but I had to go because I care about you so much and I didn't want you to have to be in the middle of all the drama I seem to create wherever I go, but I thought about you so much because I, I'm in love with you. I have been since we were kids playing tag and you'd always let me catch you and let me run away and win" her face was inches from his now, and she was holding on to his hands for dear life. _

_His heart was beating so fast. She had just said all the things he had ever wanted to hear her say and she _loved him_. That was enough. It was more than enough. But he was hurt and she still left and that's not love, it couldn't be. He separated himself from her again; he was unable to remain so close to her and see the pain her eyes were sure to hold. "That doesn't matter anymore" "Nate, just listen, please just listen" she begged of him. "It doesn't matter, Serena. Not to me" he said firmly. She let out a strangled sob, and put a hand over her mouth before shrinking down to the floor with her back against the wall. She was crying, and the sound hurt him to hear, and he started to walk away. With one last look in her direction filled with hesitance and something like regret, he pursed his lips and continued walking anyway. He had never dealt well with seeing Serena cry, especially when it was his fault. In the past he would always try to make it up to her, to make her tears go away. This time, he just wouldn't be around to see them. He walked down the stairs quickly, and just barely heard Eric's goodbye. He couldn't be around anymore._

"Blair, it's, it's none of your business, okay?" he really didn't want to get into the details of what had happened. He knew that they would just hurt Blair, and after thinking through the entire night, he realized how horrible he had actually been. He knew Serena didn't just open up or say 'I love you' at random times or without meaning it, and so the fact that she said it to him did mean something, something big, and he had missed it. Hadn't even let it register. Now, thinking back on it, he realized that she hadn't just become sad when he said those things to her; even before he started to yell, even through the small smile that she wore when she saw him enter, she was looking so _broken_. So sad and hopeless and not like herself.

"But Nate I jus – " he cut her off with a wave of his hand. This time his voice was much firmer than it had been moments ago, "I said _no,_ Blair. Stop pushing it". He got up from the couch he had been sitting on and stalked out of the living room, signaling to her that the conversation was definitely over. Blair sat there, looking with bewilderment in the direction that Nate had gone off in, unsure how to react. She was offended and indignant because he just stood up and _walked away_ and _no one _just _dismissed _her that way. She was Blair Waldorf for goodness sakes. Oh God, had she really just thought that? _Note to self: blame Chuck for rubbing off on me_. Second, she now knew something happened that night, something big and something bad and she wanted to know now more than she had when she decided to ask Nate about it. One thing was for sure: on the Upper East Side, secrets had a way of getting out. She just hoped this one wouldn't blow up in too many of her friend's faces.

"Serena, just explain to me why. Why leave? Why come back? What happened?" Dr. Strauss pressed the issue. Some psychiatrists liked to wait until their patients were ready, he would rather them open up quickly and be more honest with themselves than wait a few years for information he could have had during the first few weeks if he'd inquired just a little harder and a bit more often. He knew a lot of things about the girl in front of him. Granted, most of it was information that had come along in a packet of facts pertaining to her life and the events that led up to her being institutionalized. None the less, he didn't like it when people were hurting, especially people he knew, and the girl in front of him seemed to hold way too much pain, pain that marred the contours of her beautiful face.

Serena was so _sick _of this guy. What did he want from her? He asked this same line of questions every day and her answer was always the exact same because it was the truth. She left because she was a terrible friend. Things…happened in Connecticut that would forever stay there, and then she came back.

"Just stop! Stop _pushing _this! I have told you why I came back and I don't have some deep dark secret or firmly rooted problem. I _know_ that you know what else happened while I was gone, so don't act like you _don't. _And stop acting like I refuse to accept it or something. I'm not living in denial, it's just something I don't want to talk about and that seems fairly reasonable considering no one tries to force other people who have gone through it to talk about their experience" she fumed before ending, her breaths hard and uneven and her nostrils flared.

Dr. Strauss looked to be in deep in thought for a moment, rubbing the small beard he had on his chin, "most of those women haven't tried to _kill themselves _afterwards, Serena. They cry, they get angry, but they don't take thirty pills along with half a bottle of tequila. The ones that do that are pushed to open up too. So tell me, what else happened? That was a terrible, terrible thing that no one should have to go through, and I understand that bu – "

"You do not understand it" she interjected, eyes ablaze with fury. He retracted his statement before continuing on, "It's terrible, Serena. But what I need to know, what you need to understand is what _else _was going on and why you couldn't handle it. What _else _happened while you were away? What _more _happened when you came back? The real question here, the one that you need answered for your own sake just as much as I do so that I'm doing my job is what happened, and _why?_ Just talk to me about it, because you need to talk to someone, and I'm here and listening only to you. I have no bias and I honestly don't know you as a person, despite the facts I have on file, well enough to judge, so just talk" he finished off. He placed his pen and notepad down, giving her his undivided attention. Serena took a deep breath and leaned back in the chair, closing her eyes.

"I just, I didn't _want _to handle it. I wanted it to all go away, everything from the past six months and it wouldn't. No matter how many shots I took or who I tried to flirt with or even who I came home to, those thoughts and memories just wouldn't go away and I couldn't take having to _remember it _anymore. It just hurt and it was _all my fault_" she said to him quietly, hoping to God that he would be done asking questions today because she knew she was too tired to fight giving up the answers any longer. Dr. Strauss contemplated her answer before asking how she was so sure what happened had been her fault, and not just a misfortune. She looked wryly at him, a self-deprecating half gracing her lips before responding with the words she had always thought to be true, the only information she seemed certain of these days. "It's what I do, Dr. Strauss. I ruin things, good or bad. I know that what happened was my fault because of the simple fact that _everything is" _she shrugged her shoulders in refined acceptance, "it always has been…"

"You're _wrong"..."_No_._ Serena was not _pregnant. _Had she been she would have to be pretty large right now, and I have seen her since she's been back. She's _not_"… "Are you sure, Andrew?" Chuck asked his PI, a thread of pleading in his voice. Honestly, he didn't want this to be the truth. He would rather go on searching for clues that led to dead ends than have to accept this because it was just too _terrible_. Too terrible for Blair and for Nate, oh God would he have to tell Nate? And then there was Serena who had been carrying _this _around with her since she returned. Why wouldn't she have told someone? Granted, it wasn't the type of thing you blurt out as soon as you get home, 'hey Blair, you know how I slept with your boyfriend, maybe he's your ex now, I wouldn't know because we haven't spoken in months, but you remember that I did do that before I left? Well I was pregnant and then…' No, she would have told Nate or Blair or even him if it came down to it, there had to have been… someone. He couldn't believe something like this had happened and she was just silent about it and suffering alone and putting up with _them _and all of the things they had said about her to everyone they knew, even to people they didn't know. She had run away and, and been _pregnant _and then _lost it_, and no one even knew. How didn't they know?

Chuck dropped his phone, not really caring for what else Andrew may have had to say. For the first time in his life, Chuck wished he would've just left things alone. This was something, something he didn't want to know. It was so big and he didn't know what to do about it or who to bribe or threaten into fixing it because there was no one on Earth who could. He fell back into his chair and ran a hand over his face and through his already disheveled hair. He wiped at the one tear that had escaped his chocolate brown eyes, erasing all remnants of it ever having existed. He wouldn't say a word of this to anyone. Not to Blair or Nate, he wouldn't even let Serena know that he knew. This was something he wasn't equipped to handle, and it was something he knew would completely sober the high that the Upper East Side seemed to remain permanently on.

**A/N: I hope you all enjoyed this chapter. I finally revealed some of the things that happened. Soon you should be getting into more of the details and other little things that happened while Serena was away, and the encounters involving her and the other characters upon her return. I hope you all liked reading it, and leave any comments or suggestions or guesses of what's to come in a review. I really do enjoy reading them and they are my inspiration to keep writing, so let me know how you think I've been doing . Thanks for reading. Until next time…**

**Aryn**


	5. Chapter 5

**A/N: Hey all. I'm very sorry for the long wait – it's strange to think it's been like 18 or 19 days since I last updated this story. I have ap exams coming up, so I've been studying more often than I normally would. Thanks to everyone who has reviewed and continues to review because they really do mean a lot to me and without them this probably wouldn't have been posted until next weekend, or the one after that. With all that said, I am thankful to every single reader, person who puts me on alert, and especially grateful to those who take the time to leave a few words in a review at the end of each chapter. So this chapter is going to skip some time into the future; it'll jump into the story when Serena is just getting out of the hospital. Anywho, I'll stop rambling now and just let yall read it. Enjoy! **

**Disclaimer: I do not own Gossip Girl or anything related to it.**

**Chapter 5 **

She really didn't want to be here. I guess it was odd to say, seeing as just a month and a half ago the only thing she wanted more than to be back at home was to not be anywhere. It just seemed that she had finally gotten used to the center. She didn't mind the people or the doctors or the individual sessions, so why did she have to be uprooted back to 'normalcy'. From what she gathered while there, Ostroff was a much more normal place to be than on the Upper East Side with her family and one-time friends.She was broken from her trance as Eric patted her on the back.

"I got your bags, S. Let's go in, yeah?" he said, nodding in the direction of their building. She mutely agreed and followed close behind him, haunted by the memories of the place before her. It had been this place she had originally fled months ago after a torrid night. It was this place she had unceremoniously returned to, only to be shunned by. It was this place that her friends had abandoned her in; it was this place where everyone she thought she could trust and count on decided to change the precedent and be undependable. It was this place where her heart was shattered and left behind to be forgotten and remain unfixed like the cracked sidewalks of Manhattan. It was this place where the world she had always known turned into one she desperately wanted to escape. It was this place where everything came crashing down like a burning building, and it was within these walls that she did the equivalent of jumping out a window to evade the scorching flames. This was a place she didn't want to be, but it was also the key element that needed facing for her to become a better person than she'd been before.

As she exited the elevator onto her suite, she and Eric were both stunned at who they saw. Lily, obviously in a (failed) attempt at making her return home as comfortable as possible, had invited the entire crew – Chuck, Blair, and Nate. Serena was astonished that they'd not laughed (figuratively, they were all too well-bred for something so uncouth) in her face and told her that under no circumstances would they ever welcome her back, no matter where she was coming from. Eric, on the other hand, who was still seething at the three he held responsible for his older sister's depression, was amazed at the audacity they had to still show their faces in the van der Woodsen home.

"Mom, why are they here?" Eric spoke with obvious animosity in his tone as Serena stood still close behind him. Lily frowned slightly at her children's reactions – she thought they, especially Serena, would be happy for a return to normalcy. "They're here to welcome Serena home, Eric" she hadn't appreciated how rude he sounded either. The two engaged in a stare off with one another, a silent conversation going on between them. The others in the room watched on awkwardly. Nate, Blair and Chuck in nervous anticipation, knowing that Eric had the power to completely ruin them in Lily's eyes, and Serena, wondering when everyone actually started to give a shit.

Finally, Eric relented under the strong gaze of his mother and shifted his eyes towards their guests and gave a tight half smile even though his eyes still held hostility. Lily took a deep breath before fixing a society smile onto her face and clasped her hands together, turning towards the three teens. "Well then, you can stay as long as you'd like. Help get Serena caught up on everything that's gone on in her absence" she nodded, not waiting for their responses, and began making her way out of the living room. She only stopped when she got to Serena. She pulled her into an oddly unfamiliar hug and whispered in her ear, "I'm so glad you're better, Serena" and then released her. With those last words, she exited to the room.

Serena, momentarily startled by her mother's unusual display of affection, was brought back to the present when Blair addressed her.

"Serena" the brunette said again, hoping with all she had that the blonde wasn't simply ignoring her. "I'm _so _glad your home. You have no idea how worried I've been" and she was telling the truth. Blair had been worried ever since news got to her of Serena's attempted suicide. She began to walk towards the other girl, but stopped herself before taking her first step, deciding it would be better to move slowly before bombarding the girl with apologies. Her smile faltered though when the blonde's only reaction to her words was a small thank you and a slight upward curve of the lips.

Chuck was next. He had barely been able to look the girl in the face since he had discovered a piece of what she was hiding. Regardless of that knowledge, though, the young Bass was unable to keep the smirk from his face when he looked at her – he was so happy that she was okay. He wouldn't have been able to live with himself had he taken part in the final destruction of one of his best friends. "Serena. Glad to see you're well" he spoke, nodding in her direction. She regarded him skeptically for a moment before nodding back and he was pleased, although a little disheartened by Eric's glaring in his direction.

Last was Nate. He had been standing the furthest away from Serena in the group, unsure how to really go about this 'welcoming' that they were doing. It all still seemed so surreal to him – Serena trying to hurt herself – she would never have done something like that. He knows this because he knows Serena. He always has seen a little more, granted not all, of the blonde, and he just couldn't wrap his mind around this. Regardless of this gut feeling he had that the Serena he knew could never do something like that, he couldn't help but accept it now. He had seen a still, almost lifeless Serena lying on her bed, he felt her in his arms and the rancid smell of alcohol was still pungent under his nostrils every time he inhaled.

He looked up slowly at her, taking in every inch. He could see the visible changes. Her hair was untamed and wavy, obviously with no effort put towards it that morning. Her usually perfectly-filed finger nails were stubbier than he'd seen them in a long time – a sign that somewhere in between the time she left Manhattan and now, the things in between had caused her to restart that bad habit. Lastly, her eyes were different. They were still blue and beautiful and mesmerizing, but some of the light he hadn't seen since her return was back – they were brighter. Granted, they still didn't hold that easiness and relaxed sheen that they once had, but they were getting closer to it again, and Nate was glad.

"Hey, S" he spoke softly and everyone in the room could hear the difference in his words compared to those of Chuck and Blair. He waited anxiously for her response, silently praying that she wouldn't be so short with him, that things could go back to how they once were, before boarding schools and barstools and high school and drugs and this overwhelming sadness that had taken the group by storm. Nate wanted to go back to the times when the most difficult situation the group of four would be responsible for dealing with was convincing Blair that her dress _wouldn't _be ruined if she played in the sandbox, and reminding Chuck that not only poor kids played in 'light colored dirt'. He wanted to return not only to the days when there was something special about the group of four: Chuck, Blair, Nate, and Serena, but when there was something magical and written in the stars and epic about the twosome of _Nate and Serena_. Most of all though, Nate wished with all his heart that the girl in front of him was the same one he used to know, instead of the broken and then bandaged up version she was now.

Serena's heart raced at Nate's voice and she wanted nothing more than to jump into his arms and tell him everything and let him hold onto her, keeping her safe in his grasp, forever. She was close to doing just that when she was hit with the memories of their last encounters, and overcome with rage. Then, she remembered the advice of Dr. Strauss. _Stop being so angry with these people Serena. You have to let it go, and then, if they're as bad as you've described to me, maybe it's time you let them go as well. It's not healthy to hold on to memories of people who aren't there anymore, and who may never return. _She would follow his advice and not worry about them anymore. She wasn't angry. She had indeed learned to let go while staying at the Ostroff, but she wouldn't forget. She couldn't forget all the things that had been done to her intentionally by the people she once considered family; she couldn't forget the harsh words spoken by a boy she once thought she would marry. She had forgiven, and now, it was her chance to let go.

"Hey Nate" she spoke and didn't like the sound of her voice. It was shaky and unstable and nervous and all of the things she was trying so hard not to be anymore. She wouldn't be weak or feel guilty – she had nothing to be sorry for. In fact, the people standing in front of her were the ones who should have been apologizing to her. She pulled herself together and averted her eyes from the intense gaze of Nate before opening her mouth again. "I'm glad you all came by, but I'm tired. It's been a long day, and I'm going to go be by myself for a while" she didn't bother with pleasantries or even saying goodbye, simply turned in the direction of the staircase and made her way towards them.

Blair was getting ready to call her name but Eric intervened. "That's enough, Blair. You said what you needed to say, and I'm sure that by taking pity on or giving charity through your presence to her, you've squared your karma or whatever notions you had that drove you here. Maybe Serena's mind is still too clouded to see and my mother is too caught up in her own life to have even noticed, but I know for a fact that had Serena not done this to herself, you would all still be torturing her the way you had been before the incident, so don't you dare show up to our home just to ease your consciences. You deserve every bit of pain and discomfort you feel right now. I won't stand by and watch you three destroy my sister again – it's not happening. So Get. Out." With those final words he pointed his head toward the elevator and watched the three share unconfident looks before shuffling out of the apartment and mumbling their goodbyes. He didn't humor their farewells and was pleased only when the elevator doors had shut behind them.

The elevator ride down to the lobby was long for Blair, Chuck, and Nate. None of them knew what to say or how to start a proper conversation; all of them felt Eric's words hit more than a little too close to home. As they shifted off of the elevator and into the vestibule, they walked out silently. Nate was the first one to break the silence. "Something doesn't make sense about all of this. It's just, even now that she's supposedly okay, it's like she's still so sad" he spoke, confused as to why Serena's demeanor was so downtrodden. Chuck, having been exposed to many psychiatrists over the years answered his inquiry, "not being unstable doesn't mean she's better. The main part of therapy is for a person to find the root of their problems and the sources of their anguish. After that's found, it's mainly up to the patient to decide how to go about dealing with these problems, the doctor is more of a guide to self-enlightenment and then gives direction as to where to go once they've reached a new discovery."

Nate nodded his head, more to himself than to Chuck, and the group kept moving forward. Blair spoke suddenly, breaking the thoughtful trance that had captured the trio. "Do you think, I mean, you don't think we could really be the _root _do you?" she asked no one in particular, "we couldn't be the one, major, underlying cause of everything" Nate just shrugged, hoping that that wasn't the case but knowing that it could very well be. Chuck was the one to support the small brunette though. He wrapped an arm around her petite frame before speaking into the chilled Manhattan air, "No. It's not us. Serena has issues none of us can even begin to sift through. Things are going on with her, they must have been, and they were bigger than anything we could have handled yet alone created. Serena's always had a _more _factor: more hair, more legs, bluer eyes, wider smile. I guess we never thought that overwhelming and greatness that made her Serena could apply to the bad that was doled out on her as well".

**A/N: Hey all. I hope you liked this chapter. It was difficult to write. They get harder and harder as I get further in the story because I actually have to start giving the story more plot and direction. I hope the wait wasn't too bad for you guys. I hope to update soon, but by now you know how I am lol. Leave reviews please. I don't want to beg, but they really are the most inspiring things a writer can receive. Thanks to everyone who is still reading, and extra special thanks with two cherries on top to everyone who reviews . Until next time…**

**Aryn**


	6. Chapter 6

**Chapter 6**

**Disclaimer: I do not own Gossip Girl, it's characters, or anything relating to it. **

**A/N: Hey all. Sorry** **about the super long wait for this chapter, but at least it's here now. I wont talk for too long since I've kept you all waiting long enough. I hope you like it, and leave a review because they mean a lot to me and I respond to them personally. Thanks so much to those people who do leave reviews also, I love them.** **Anywho, here's the chapter. Enjoy!**

Serena van der Woodsen was nervous. It wasn't the type of nerves that she was used to either. They weren't like waiting impatiently for a new store on fifth to open. They weren't like hoping a cute guy would come over and talk to her. These weren't like the nerves she had when she was about to do something crazy and reckless without a thought to the repercussions. These were the kind of nerves she hadn't been able to shake since leaving, and then returning to, the Upper East Side. They were the nerves she'd felt the first time she saw her Blair and Nate and Chuck again. They were the nerves that she had after their fallout. These were similar to how she'd felt every time she happened to be in the same place as they were, where she'd hope and pray that they would just let her be, or on days when she was feeling rather optimistic, even forgive her. These nerves were dreaded, and she thought she was rid of them before she left Ostroff, but she wasn't, not in the least.

As she turned a corner, she could see Constance with a clear view. She had left earlier than she usually did, hoping to clear her head and take the long route to avoid running into Blair and Nate, as well as Chuck's limo. She was glad for the alone time. Honestly, she had gotten used to it while at Ostroff, but since being back home, between a mother that suddenly decided to care and Eric, she hadn't really been able to have a moment to herself. She was grateful that they wanted to help her so much, but she was beginning to suffocate. She needed this free time to herself to prepare for the day before her when she would have to face all the things she desperately wanted to escape.

After all her mulling, she hadn't even realized that she was mere steps away from the school. She took a deep, calming breath and then went through the gates of Constance. She was glad to see that nearly no one had arrived yet. Grand entrances were definitely something she was well-accustomed to, but she knew that wouldn't be good for her today. She spotted a secluded part of the yard and quickly made her way to it, hoping to be kept hidden there.

The school area began to fill quickly, and she was glad that she had arrived so early. This wasn't her usual spot to hang out, so even though she did get a few double takes because _Serena van der Woodsen _was flocking around the commoners, no one really moved to speak to her nor did they gawk for too long. Glancing at her phone for the time, she found the bell would ring in only five minutes – she had made it through her first morning.

"Hey, beautiful". She had spoken too soon. Serena would recognize that voice anywhere. It seemed that she wasn't the only person to have reappeared recently, for Carter Baizen was standing directly in front of her with his hand outstretched. She simply stared at him, kind of in awe of the fact that he was even in school; she hadn't seen the boy who breezed in and out of her life since before she had run away to Connecticut. "You're really not going to speak to me? You still mad about last time we were together?" he asked her as he lowered his hand and took a seat next to her on the pavement.

Serena, now eye-level with him, looked into his familiar blue eyes and took in the way his voice was still the same and his hair was still disheveled. He hadn't changed. In all this time, in all the time of Serena knowing Carter, he had always been the same. He was unreliable and sneaky and truly just had a bad streak in him, but he had never tried to hide it or defend it, he simply was. Remembering all of the time they had spent together, despite him being two years older than her, Serena was propelled back to a time when she _just was _with him. She remembered how she did what she wanted without caring for consequences, how she lived for the moment and seized the day and never looked back, she remembered how even though she hadn't always been happy, how even though she had bad headaches and had done things that she would never want the people closest to her to know about, that despite all of that she hadn't seemed nearly as _broken_ as she had been when she returned and tried to be a better version of herself.

She was broken, had been, was, and probably always would be, but at least before she didn't make excuses for it, she was who she was and people learned to deal with it because she was Serena _fucking_ van der Woodsen and she did what she wanted. Looking into his blue orbs, she wanted that again. She wanted the freedom and the carelessness and for everything to stop being so _grave_, so she did something she and Carter rarely did when they were together, she leaned over and hugged him.

Carter was startled at first, he and Serena had always touched in different ways than this, but he responded nonetheless. He missed Serena. He always did, and it wasn't something he was used to in his life. Normally, he didn't care one way or another about more than half the things going on around him, but he cared for the blonde in his arms, and so he hugged her back, hoping it would maybe make up for some of the time he had been away. He could tell things had changed around here. Sure, everyone was still pretentious and pretending their lives were perfect, but the air was sadder and duller. When he had first gotten back a couple of weeks ago after being tracked down in Europe by his parents and being threatened by them to be cut off, he had looked for Serena at school and in their usual hangouts, but she was nowhere to be found. He had thought about asking the Waldorf girl, or maybe Chuck or little Archibald, but he really didn't like them – too clean cut for his taste – so he waited. He didn't subscribe to that Gossip Girl alert, because honestly, whoever the hell that was kind of creeped him out, so he was completely out of the know when it came to Serena and anything else that had really happened while he'd been gone.

Now she was back, and looking into her eyes, he knew that big things had happened, but talking wasn't the way they solved problems, it wasn't them. Instead, he did what she obviously needed, despite the looks from his peers, wondering when in the hell Carter Baizen and Serena van der Woodsen had become actual friends, and held her in his arms. When she finally pulled away from him, he saw the remnants of a stray tear in the corner of her eye, but chose not to comment on it. Finally, the bell had rung, signaling a start of the school day. Normally, Carter wouldn't actually go to his classes, but seeing as his parents were actually watching what he did this time around, he figured he had to. He stood up and dusted his hands on his khaki's before reaching his hand out to Serena and helping her up. They walked into the school together, not even noticing the three sets of eyes that had bulged from their sockets at the pair.

Blair heard Penelope speak from behind her, "Looks like S is back. What are we going to do to her?" Blair cringed a little bit, as did Nate and Chuck who were on both of her sides. It hurt to think that everyone knew how they had reveled in torturing their friend, but even worse than that was the fact that they hadn't seen the supposed warning signs as to what was going to come of it. They had known Serena since they were in diapers, and not one of them had seen her spiraling. "We do nothing. What happened was in the past, and holding a grudge for this long is _so_ middle class. We're not from Brooklyn, and even though someone of _your_ stature may not understand this Penelope, but scheming against someone for something that happened so long ago is just tacky" she flicked her wrist, simultaneously dismissing her minions and a shamed Penelope, before falling back into step with Nate and Chuck.

"It was that bad that people just expect it from us now?" Nate asked, the guilt still eating away at him. They reached a corner where they would all go their separate ways, so Chuck just nodded, "Yeah. It was". There was really nothing else to say on their behavior at this point, all they could do was try and be better now, not live in their past mistakes.

It was lunch time now, and Blair had been trying to speak to Serena all day. Her attempts were unsuccessful, though, as Carter Baizen seemed to have always been around, and Serena always being able to find and excuse as to why they couldn't talk without causing a scene. That was about to change, though. Blair Waldorf got what she wanted, and when she didn't she tried and tried and tried again until she did. Spotting Serena, alone for what seemed like the first time in weeks, Blair walked with purpose in her direction. She ignored Nelly Yuki and the other minions, not having the time or patience to be bothered with them at the moment.

"Serena, you have to talk to me" Blair pleaded. She knew it wasn't actually true, in fact she knew it was slightly unfair of her to even ask for that from Serena, but she did anyway. She had to try. Serena was frustrated. Despite the fact that it wasn't her friends leading the wolf pack, she was still being bumped in the hallways 'accidently' and being talked about and called a slut when she passed certain people. She was sick of Chuck and Nate and Blair thinking that just because they apologized, everything was all unicorns and fucking rainbows between them; it wasn't. She had tried being above it all. She had wanted nothing more than to fall into being just a regular person at this school, but they refused to hear it.

Nate gave her this mixed look of longing and regret whenever he saw her, and had the nerve to let his face fall when he saw her with Carter. Then there was Chuck, who just kept looking at her in that way that means he pities you. Chuck pitied no one, so for him to look at her like that was making her feel more pathetic than she'd already felt. Lastly, there was Blair, who despite all of Serena's attempts at dodging her and blowing her off nicely, wouldn't take a hint if it was embroidered on a Chanel scarf. Serena was fed up with still feeling like the bad guy. For once, she had done nothing wrong. She had done nothing wrong, had nothing to feel guilty about, and yet the people who should just wouldn't let up. She was sick of it.

"It's like you don't get it Blair!" she yelled at her in response. Her voice raised above the noise of the school cafeteria, and left most everyone in silence. "I don't _have_ to do anything. I don't have to listen to what you or Nate or Chuck has to say. I don't have to pretend that everything is fine between us when it _isn't_. I don't have to pretend that I'm fine if I'm not. I am so sick of you thinking I _owe _you something. I apologized to you. I did it over and over and over again, and you refused to hear it. Not only that, but you turned around and made me a fucking pariah! I get it. I was wrong for what happened with Nate, but not so wrong to deserve what you did, so just _stop._ Stop talking to me as if there is anything to discuss between us. Stop coming over with Nate and Chuck and acting like I'm the bad guy because I don't want to hear you guys out. Just _stop_" she was about to turn and walk out of the lunch room, her appetite suddenly gone, but Blair's voice stopped her.

"I'm _sorry, _Serena. I am so sorry" Blair was nearly begging now in front of a room full of people. Serena was so sick of this. "I don't _care_! I don't care that you're sorry or _guilty_ or want to kiss and make up. I don't want to" she said shaking her head. "I was sorry and it didn't matter. I took everything you had to dish out and didn't say a word about you, but I am so _sick_ of you still playing the victim! You were wrong on this and you know it. It' like this fucking fairy tale you've had playing in your head, where you were the good one and life turns out perfectly got screwed up, so you need forgiveness or to repent or whatever, but I don't want to hear it because it's nothing to do with me. You're sorry, and I hear you, and I think I've even forgiven you, but that changes nothing. We are _nothing_".

Nate and Chuck were standing now, next to Blair. "Serena stop this" Nate spoke, his first words to her since she had returned to school. "I know that you're mad at us, but we're trying and we're just, we, _I_ missed you and we're glad that you're back so stop pushing us away and running to _Carter_ _Baizen_ because we need you like I know you need us an – " Nate stopped talking as Serena's palm connected with his cheek, resounding in a loud crack that echoed across the now silent cafeteria. "Shut _up_, Nate. Just shut up and listen to me, that goes for all of you. I am done. That's the end of it. Stop apologizing, stop trying to return to something that was probably never real in the first place, and don't you dare talk about Carter like he has anything to do with this because he doesn't. You guys know nothing about _anything _that was going on, so don't act like you do. You don't know because you never cared to ask, and now I'm not up for sharing it, so let it go. I mean it" and with those words, she took a last look with hardened eyes at all three of them, and many others in the lunchroom that had their mouths hanging agape, and walked out of it.

Carter Baizen was the first person to move after the showdown, "I guess that's my cue" he said, patting Nate on the back and then going after the blonde that was becoming more and more of a puzzle to him with each passing second. He did know one thing, though. He wouldn't be leaving New York any time soon unless Serena was with him. He left the three of them there all with their own thoughts. He was always fairly good at reading people, and though Nate and Blair's faces easily showed their guilt, Chuck's was one of more inner thought, like he knew more than anyone in that group of four thought he did. Carter didn't doubt it. The Bass kid had always been more thorough than most people he knew. He could only imagine the lengths he had gone to find out what really was going on.

**A/N: Hey all. Sorry for the long wait. I hope you liked this chapter though. Leave a review. They inspire me to write. I hope you liked it. Also, let me know what you thought about me bringing Carter into the mix. Until next time…**

**Aryn**


	7. Chapter 7

Chapter 7

_**AN: I'm a horrible person. I know it, and I'm sorry. I had just really lost most of my inspiration to keep writing fanfiction for a while. I was writing more for the reactions than for myself, and so it really made updating a chore, instead of something fun. Anyway, I had some inspiration hit me today, and I was really missing Gossip Girl, so voila! I hope you enjoy this one and thanks for taking the time to read (and not virtually burn me at the stake for taking months and months to update).**_

**Well, well, well. I must say that even **_**I **_**was a little hurt by **_**S **_**today, but I've still got to say, you go girl! As you all have learned over the years, I am nothing if not a fare-weather fan, and it looks to me like the things are about to go cold in the land of C, B, and N. I've always been a girl who looked better with a tan myself, so I think I'm going to have to side with our sun-kissed beauty on this one. So, let's recap today's events. **

**S returned, not only with what can only be labeled as new found vitality and hostility, but a new (old) boy**

**Looks like Queen B got her heels stolen and she's down a few inches. That doesn't bode well against the already leggy S**

**No ragging on S today, but begging for forgiveness?**

**I must admit I'm very confused about today's turn of events, but I'm sure one of you will be able to get me completely up to speed, so I can tell everybody else. All I know for sure is that it looks like the tides have turned, and while I'm not completely ready to say they're in S's favor, I don't think they are in C, N, or B's either. Maybe Ca has the luck in this scenario? Oh, and brownie points to **_**anyone **_**who can tell me where S vanished to. I'm betting the answer to that question will explain a lot more than S's renewed (or just brand new?) fighting spirit.**

**You Know You Love Me,**

**Xoxo**

**Gossip Girl**

Carter Baizen had to say that his interest was piqued. It was not something that happened often, especially by things that happened in a high school setting, but he could not, for the life of him, get that whole showdown between Serena and her (ex?) best friends out of his head. _Seriously, _he thought, _what the fuck happened when I was gone, and where the hell was Serena when I got back? And why do those three keep looking like someone set their puppy on fire in front of them…scratch that, they look like __**they **__lit the pup on fire.___What did they do? It was times like these when Carter really wished he had more friends. Generally he wasn't a fan of people unless he was using them as pawns or they were doing something ridiculously stupid so that they existed only as his entertainment for a while.

He shook himself free from his thoughts and took note of Serena again. They had been wandering around Manhattan for a while, and she had fixed a smile onto her face that didn't quite reach her eyes, and Carter wasn't sure how to feel about it. He had encountered many sides of Serena van der Woodsen, but none of which had seemed so entirely fake. In fact, Serena's authenticity was something that constantly drew Carter back to her; no matter the drugs in her system, the eight hundred dollar shoes she was wearing, or the people she was surrounded by, she always acted the same way – ethereal, free, charming, and just, _true_. Serena had always been true, so Carter was confused by the facade that was in front of him now. Before Serena could pull him into another store where she would browse, try on a million outfits, and still leave with nothing, Carter gently grabbed onto her wrists and led her around to the side of the store.

Standing between two brick walls of New York City stores, it was almost impossible to imagine the world of lights and wonder that existed outside of them, and not to replace its magnificence with the image of the moldy, garbage-littered, shaded alley that had found themselves in. Serena cocked her head slightly to the left, somehow capturing the one abandoned ray of sunlight in the otherwise dimmed area, and allowing it to bounce off of her majestic blue orbs and sparkle in the shadows. Carter couldn't help but crack his own version of a smile, one half of his mouth rising ever so slightly, and his bottom lip quivering in an attempt to keep from showing teeth. He raised his hand and with the back of it, brushed Serena's wispy blonde hair, which the blowing city winds had knocked from there once messily structured hold and into disarray, out of her face – she always looked beautiful. He kept his fingers twined in her hair for a moment while gazing into her ocean blue eyes; he loved the way her breath caught in her throat as she caught his eyes roving from her own down to her lips and back up again. As he released her golden strands from his hand and slid it down her silk skin, his palm found its way to her chin and raised it ever so slightly as he moved to capture her lips with his own.

The kiss was slow and sweet and tender, characteristics that were generally not associated with Carter Baizen, yet were uniquely Serena's to know of him. When he pulled away, he rested his own forehead on hers, and then gazed into her eyes once more. He was surprised to see that beneath the thin veiling layer of lust and desire that he had always seen in her eyes was a vulnerability and fear that he had never known to accompany Serena. Her eyes, interlocked with his, were searching, yearning, for approval. He pulled away ever so slightly, and could see her mind racing to find if he was going to leave, disappear, like so many others.

"What's wrong, beautiful?" he asked her. He needed to know. Carter couldn't bear seeing Serena in such pain and not know how to fix it, how to fix _her._

He could see her posture stiffen, and her face take on a look that he assumed to be skillfully mastered by all of the Rhodes women.

"Nothing's wrong" her quivering voice gave away what her words and body language were trying to conceal; something was obviously bothering her.

He almost smiled at her words, wishing they were true almost as much as Serena seemed to.

"Now come on, we don't lie to each other. We're both horrible, remember? I know you have your, what, Non-Judging Breakfast Club thing going on, but you know you can tell me. I'll get it, I'll help." He was pleading with her now; he needed to know.

She shook her head, first just a small bit, from side to side, and then more insistently. "Nothing's wrong, maybe I just missed you." She tried to smile but it manifested into more of a grimace as she choked back a sob.

His eyebrows furrowed. He didn't know what was going on, but his interest was piqued. "Okay. Then tell me about what happened while I was gone…and why you were gone when I got back…and what happened at lunch today with Blair and Nate! Just… you have to tell me _something_" he ended softly.

The look was back, the one of power and being well put together. The Rhodes, old money, Upper East Side look that he'd seen many times in his youth, was planted firmly on her face as she opened her mouth to speak.

"The first time I left was after you had already gone. I slept with Nate" she paused as he flinched a bit at the bluntness of her words, but as he regained his composure, she continued: "I ran to boarding school in Connecticut, but I didn't even last a month before I was back here, but it was too late. Nate hated me for leaving the way I did, Blair hated me for my betrayal, and Chuck hated me because Nate is his best friend, and he had fallen in love with Blair. Eventually Blair and Chuck got together, and Blair and Nate were friends, but I still wasn't forgiven, in fact, the names and the rumors got worse after that. I begged and pleaded and waited for it to pass, but it didn't. The only person willing to talk to me was my thirteen year old brother. I was already struggling to swim, and then Nate…" she seemed to think better of continuing with that train of thought though, and moved on. "I didn't know how to be here, be myself, without them. They've been around me forever, they've been a part of me _forever_, and so when they abandoned me, I just didn't know how to be, I didn't really even want to be anything anymore. Some more things were said, things I couldn't see past – things I didn't want to see past – and I wasn't just trying to stay above water anymore, I was drowning, so I just, let myself fall into it. I took a bunch of pills, locked my door, drank alcohol, and faded into darkness as I waited for the unbearable pain to just…_end_, but then, it didn't, and here we are." When Serena finished a much shorter version of the months since she'd last seen Carter, she looked nowhere but at him.

**I'm a douche for not updating for so long and then ending here, but I hope you'll forgive me and grace me with a review anyway. Thanks for taking the time to read this one, sorry if it was shorter than usual, but, as most of you who were reading this know, it's been a while. Until next time…**

A


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